With a career working with seniors and specializing in supporting those living with dementia, you would think that I would be fully prepared when my father was officially diagnosed with Alzheimer’s and Vascular Dementia. But the truth is no one can prepare you for this news and the realization that everything will be different. But I learned one important lesson on this journey and that was Buy the Ticket: Take the Ride.
In July, my dad, Richard T. Riggs, was rushed to the hospital showing signs of sepsis from a wound on his foot. It’s not easy to manage a diabetic’s foot care when they have a cognitive impairment. It wasn’t a surprise when it became a critical situation, but the struggle became how to navigate what would be the best medical decision for someone living with dementia. I knew without an amputation, something we weren’t willing to do based on his Dementia, we were on borrowed time and the timeline was closing in.
While we were in the hospital and figuring it all out, the best thing I did was look my dad in the eyes and say, “OK, bucket list time – where are we going?” I’m not going to lie. I was hoping he would say Bermuda, but instead he said Vermont. I knew Vermont held a special place in his heart because this was where he spent his 20’s living his dream of playing with his band, Adom, at all the local bars. It was the time in his life that made him feel accomplished, yet it was so fun!
After the hospital my dad went to rehab, I’d hoped we would be able to get him out of there and to Vermont quickly, but he didn’t make it easy. He refused to leave the wound vac in place, pulled his picc line a time or two and wouldn’t stay off his foot. On those challenging days I would say to him “Dad please cooperate so you can get strong enough to go to Vermont.” Each time he responded, “I would love to go to Vermont.”
Even though we knew it was going to be a challenge to make it work, I was raised by my stubborn father and something in my gut told me to fight through the hurdles and get to Vermont. So this trip to Vermont became the goal, the focal point and motivation, not just for me but for him.
Thankfully, my dad was on hospice and they helped me by setting up support with a local Vermont hospice. They taught me how to care for my dad’s wound and do the dressing changes while we were away. His assisted living helped prepare us for our trip with the supplies and medication instructions I would need while away. Lastly, the pharmacy went above and beyond to ensure I had all the medical supplies, both prescriptions and ancillary for the trip. We had our village rooting for us!
We decided to take the 6-hour drive, and we brought my dad’s girlfriend of 30 years and my best friend for support. I will say there were some trying moments when I wanted to turn around and go back home, but once we arrived there was a feeling of accomplishment. My dad got his wish, we were in Vermont!
Dad was exhausted and didn’t wake up until the afternoon of the next day, which worked in my favor. It gave me time to go food shopping and plan our next 2 days. Taking care of his medical needs was rough, painful and not very pleasant but we got through it. I found with a good, yummy breakfast all was forgiven and his mood improved.
While we were there, we went to the slopes of Killington, along with some of his favorite restaurants. But the absolute best was taking him back to his old stomping grounds, The Pickle Barrel. From the minute he walked in, his eyes lit up and he smiled from ear to ear. We danced, he sang, we had a beer or 2 and I received the best gift my dad could have ever given me. He looked at all of us there and with tears in his eyes he said, “I am not sure who made this happen but thank you, this is the best night.” That sentence made all the tough mornings, the long drive, the potty breaks and, most of all, the fear and stress of being the person to ensure the safety and care of my dad all worth it.
Sadly, my dad passed away a little over 2 months later. I know part of why he was peacefully ready to go was because we had this last hoorah in Vermont. I am grateful and honored that I was there through every moment with him and was able to make his wish come true. So, I say again BUY THE TICKET: TAKE THE RIDE – you will not regret it.
But you don’t have to do it alone, lean on your village. Talk to your Elder Lawyer to discuss funds available to use as well as determine what could be penalized and what would be appropriate spending. Talk to your social worker about resources such as hospice and/or home care agencies or other services that can help make the trip work better for you and your loved one. But take the trip because dementia should never stop someone from living their best life whenever they can or from fulfilling a last wish or adventure! My dad returned to Vermont this July, well his ashes that is, and we celebrated his life where he felt the most whole and happiest, in Vermont with his loved ones around him.
Disclaimer: The material in this blog is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to replace, nor does it replace, consulting with a physician, lawyer, accountant, financial planner or other qualified professional.
Deb is the author of “Your Caregiver Relationship Contract and “A Relationship Contract for Dementia Caregivers.” Your Caregiver Relationship Contract is available in both English and Spanish. It explains how to have an intentional conversation and the how unspoken expectations can cause problems during caregiving. A Relationship Contract for Dementia Caregivers explains how important it is to learn how your person wants to live their life out and how you, the caregiver are the most important person in this relationship, giving you tips and tricks for this journey.
Click here to learn more about Your Caregiver Relationship Contract or here for the Spanish version: Su Contrato de relación como cuidador de un ser querido. Click here to learn more about A Relationship Contract for Dementia Caregivers.
Deb is available as a caregiver consultant. She will answer the question: “Where do I start?” and find the resources to alleviate your stress. If you would like to invest a half hour to learn how she can help you, please contact her at: Free 30 minute consulting call
