An open conversation takes the burden off loved ones.
Most people pre-plan their burial. They buy the plot or crypt, but never take the next step of pre-planning their funeral arrangements. – Funeral Director Christine Cuoco of Ruby Memorial
Christine’s comment resonates with me because that is our family story. My parents had pre-purchased a spot in a local mausoleum but had made no funeral plans. The winter dad died, we had more snow than usual, and I could not get mom out of the house. I am grateful to the funeral director that came to their home, lugging all the books and paperwork with him so mom could be part of the conversation. But Mom was shattered by dad’s death, so it fell on me to make the arrangements.
I had never planned a funeral before. Questions like: Do you want to put it in the paper? Do you want to go to your church or have a service at the funeral parlor? Which burial card would you like? All decisions were made in that moment, going on instinct. It wasn’t until I was handed two huge books to look through for caskets and I saw the price that I thought to ask, how much would we be spending? Talk about sticker shock. This was more than we could afford, and my father would haunt me if I spent that much money. It was uncomfortable, but we went through the list line by line. There were decisions we modified and items we took out. Instead of putting an obituary in the paper for $350.00 we put in an announcement and directed people to the funeral parlor website. Dad would not have appreciated an ornate casket but even the simple ones were expensive. Finally, the director offered me a casket that was an older model and would be less money. He described it to me, but it wasn’t until I saw it that I realized it was simple and beautiful and exactly what dad would have wanted.
That experience proved to me the importance of having a conversation about what you want done when you die and how to carry out your wishes. Planning a funeral during a loss can result in second guessing yourself. It did for me. And second-guessing your decisions does not leave time for grief.
Discussing your wishes:
In general, I find that an event like a move to a nursing home or hospice pushes people to plan. But crisis planning is not the best way to go about it. I wish people didn’t fear discussing end-of-life planning. Most people fear conversations regarding death. But what they fail to realize is that we all have this final phase in common. We go through it together. Talking about it ahead of time only eases the burden when the time comes. – Christine
Many people put off having a conversation about end-of-life medical care, so it should be no surprise that a conversation about funeral and burial arrangements get put off as well. Just like end-of-life decisions, it makes the most sense to initiate this conversation when everyone is still healthy. It gives you space to talk about it when life is calm, and not in crisis. If you have these conversations at the same time you’re discussing estate and financial planning, it allows everyone to have a clear head.
If your parents are reluctant, you don’t need to force them to make plans, but you do need to have a conversation. People in their 60’s and 70’s will drop hints in their conversation or even joke about what they want at their funeral. Listen to them, then use it as a place to start.
There are good pre-planning discussion tools. Five Wishes is a healthcare directive that gently opens the door to talking about funeral services and burials in the section: “My Wish For What I Want My Loved Ones to Know”. In it, you can include a list of music, songs or readings for a memorial service. Filling this document out together is a gentle way to start a conversation.
“Talk of a Lifetime” was created by The Funeral and Memorial Information Council (FAMIC) and is part of a campaign that is delivered by National Funeral Directors Association (NFDA). It is designed to help families have conversations about what matters most to them and how the person wants to be remembered and honored.
Having a conversation with your loved one about what they want for healthcare and what they want for their funeral is important. These are such personal decisions. An open conversation takes a great burden off everyone.
Conversation starters:
Five Wishes
Talk of a Lifetime
Disclaimer: The material in this blog is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to replace, nor does it replace, consulting with a physician, lawyer, accountant, financial planner or other qualified professional.
Also, those people who purchased burial insurance should review this every 5 years. I have encouraged four people who thought they were covered to take a look at their policies. All had policies purchased in the 1970s. They matured at $1200 to $1800 dollars. This is barely a drop in the bucket today.
Great insight Milinda, thanks for sharing!