THIS is the question caregivers ask themselves all the time. Nothing, and I mean nothing, prepares you for being a caregiver to aging parents or a spouse. You would think parenthood would prepare you. After all, children challenge you with their independence needs, but they don’t have years of living an independent life. Your elder or spouse has a history as a functioning member of society, a history of taking care of themselves and a family, so you can’t just end an argument with “because I said so.”
Then there is the healthcare system. For years most families navigate the healthcare system for a cold or flu, a physical or a yearly routine test. Nothing, and I mean nothing, prepares you for the craziness of our healthcare system when your elder has a chronic disease with co-morbidities. Or, for managing the insane number of pharmaceuticals that goes with it.
Then there is the insurance system where someone with no medical background determines if the company will pay for a test or treatment. What about finances and financial planning? How do you figure out ways to make money last for the life of your care partner if they are unwilling to share information? And if it doesn’t last, then what?
And we have not even touched on helping your elder or spouse to bath, dress, toilet, manage medications and the million and one things both inside and outside the home you may be helping with or have taken over. Is it any wonder that we ask ourselves, often in the middle of the night, “What have I gotten myself into?”
Thank God we have the courage to ask the question because it means we care. It means we are seeking to find an answer, a simple solution or a resource that will help us be the best caregiver possible. “What have I gotten myself into?”, is the first step in recognizing we can’t do this alone. Because we find ourselves asking the question multiple times, we recognize that things can and will change over time.
Because we continue to look for new answers every time there is a change, we say “yes” to caregiving repeatedly without even realizing it. We say yes when a process we had in place breaks, we say yes, every time we cancel our plans due to caregiving, we say yes, every time there is a physical or cognitive change in our elder or spouse. And we repeatedly ask the question, ”What have I gotten myself into.”
Saying yes to caregiving is hard. Saying yes to caregiving can feel overwhelming and impossible. When those times hit, I challenge you to change the question to “what is my why?”
Why did I say yes to caregiving to begin with? Why do I continue to say yes when having to pack up my life every two weeks makes me resentful? When I remembered why I structured my life to be with mom every two weeks, all the holidays and visits to see family, I remembered that I had good reasons. It was to preserve her money to stay in the house. It was because I knew my mother and her caregiver would need a break from one another more than the normal contract. It was because I wanted to keep a close eye on her and still be able to keep my job.
When we remember the ‘why’ of our caregiving choices, we can start to let go of negative emotions. So, when you find yourself asking, “What have I gotten myself into?” flip the question around and ask “Why have I gotten myself into caregiving?” and in that answer, I hope you find peace.
Disclaimer: The material in this blog is for educational purposes only. It is not intended to replace, nor does it replace, consulting with a physician, lawyer, accountant, financial planner or other qualified professional.
Deb is the author of “Your Caregiver Relationship Contract and “A Relationship Contract for Dementia Caregivers.” Your Caregiver Relationship Contract is available in both English and Spanish. It explains how to have an intentional conversation and the how unspoken expectations can cause problems during caregiving. A Relationship Contract for Dementia Caregivers explains how important it is to learn how your person wants to live their life out and how you, the caregiver are the most important person in this relationship, giving you tips and tricks for this journey.
Click here to learn more about Your Caregiver Relationship Contract or here for the Spanish version: Su Contrato de relación como cuidador de un ser querido. Click here to learn more about A Relationship Contract for Dementia Caregivers.
Deb is available as a caregiver consultant. She will answer the question: “Where do I start?” and find the resources to alleviate your stress. If you would like to invest a half hour to learn how she can help you, please contact her at: Free 30 minute consulting call
